We Keep Having the Same Fight, Over and OverAgain.
One of the most common themes I hear from couples in my practice is a quiet confession: “We’ve been having the same fight for years—sometimes decades. It’s always about the dishes, the kids’ bedtime routine, or whose turn it is to make dinner. It’s embarrassing because it sounds trivial and we’ve tried to stop doing this over and over, but it still happens.”
If you recognize yourself in this, you’re not alone. These recurring arguments may sound trivial, but they point to something far more important.
It’s Not Really About the Dishes
On the surface, the topic might be chores or scheduling. Underneath, there’s almost always a deeper layer:
Unmet attachment needs: wanting to feel seen, supported, valued, and secure.
Unspoken narratives and triggers: old experiences or fears get activated in the moment, and you have a big reaction in real time.
Metaphors for deeper beliefs: “You don’t help with dinner” can feel like “I’m often carrying the load alone” or “I’m not feeling important to you.”
Because these core needs do not get met, the same loop keeps replaying.
The Negative-Connection Loop
Here’s something that surprises many couples: even conflict can feel better than disconnection. A heated argument—though painful—still creates a sense of engagement: we’re talking, we’re reacting, we matter to each other in this moment. Afterall, it is still connection.
When positive closeness feels out of reach, couples may unconsciously rely on these negative interactions as a way to stay linked.
It’s a painful substitute, but it still meets a basic human need: to feel connected.
Intentionlly Create Positive Connection
The antidote isn’t avoiding all disagreement; it’s creating intentional, positive connection that does not depend on conflict:
Go on a walk or out to a meal without screens
Spend five uninterrupted minutes each day checking in with each other. Make this time to connect not about logistics.
Do something together you both enjoy or try something new- revisit an old hobby that brought you together or create some new energy by trying something together you have never done before.
When positive connection becomes a regular practice, the pull toward negative cycles weakens. Arguments lose their power as the only way to feel close.
The Power of Repair
Alongside intentional connection, repair is key:
Shift from “Who’s right?” to “How are we hurting one another?”
Acknowledge feelings, clarify misunderstandings, express care and desire to do differently.
Follow up after conflict with words or gestures that reassure your partner.
These steps help transform conflict from a loop into a bridge.
Moving Forward
If you and your partner recognize this pattern, take heart. The recurring fight is not a sign of failure—it’s an invitation to look beneath the surface and meet each other where it truly matters. When you begin to name the deeper needs and repair with intention, the old argument loses its grip, and the relationship gains space for something far richer than keeping chore scores- real positive connection. I have seen this shift time and time again in the couples I work with.
Ready to Begin the Conversation?
If you’d like support breaking these cycles, I work with couples to identify the deeper needs beneath conflict and to build new ways of positively connecting.